To Vomit the Undigestible

Mumbai Dharavi Documentary

2011-08-08T04:41:00.000+05:30

Helen Fisher ted talk

2011-07-17T16:55:00.000+05:30

Manna - Psilocybin Mushroom Documentary (complete)

2011-07-01T01:50:00.002+05:30

http://www.thepsilocybinsolution.com

Wow, a treasured download reuploaded after many years!! : D
Thank you Simon. G. Powell for your deep introspection and vital works.

Love With Gaia coming up...

Insane Breakdance (Phils sons teacher)

2011-04-13T02:00:00.000+05:30

ho hum

2011-04-09T12:52:00.000+05:30

I believe that existence, in reality, is an anachronism. We don't experience anything in a sequential order; we don't live in a linear reality. Instead, the whole of our experiences are placed upon us all at once, a single point in time that is present in all other points pertaining to the specific life.

Our minds, however, cannot accept a reality such as this. We are not abstract nor are we capable of handling a lifetime of information in one short, single blast of knowledge. We must therefore view all experiences in a linear fashion, our mind puts our existence in a manner in which we can comprehend, thus giving us our present idea of time and our relation to said paradigm.

This is all conjecture of course. Nobody could prove that we don't exist in an extended time-release capsule form; I couldn't prove that I'm right, but since nothing is conclusively wrong it wouldn't make much difference, would it?

Ray Lamontagne - Crazy Gnarls Barkley Cover)

2011-03-08T18:00:00.000+05:30

AskNature.org

2011-03-08T17:58:00.000+05:30

ASKNATURE.ORG
organise all biological info by design and engineering function - EOL
inventor - creation - how does nature remove salt from water - kidneys and mangroves - new models from elders, nature.

Sharklet Technologies - Building walls for Hospitals to repel bacteria. from the way a sharkskin which is designed to not hold bacteria

Quinetiq , Grimshaw - Andrew Parker - gathered info from the wings of a beetle living in the desert which collects fog on its shell. He is using the same technology on the sides of buildings to collect fog water.

Calera - Cement Company in the US - Technology from Coral Reefs which use CO2 as building blocks. They plaster 1/2 tonne into the cement and using CO2 in their material and reverse the process of CO2 emission during the cement making process.

OneSun - Solar Cells - very cheap - rechargeable every 5 years.

AQUAporin - water filter - desalination membranes - we usually push it thru a membrane and wonder why its clogged ith salt but in nature - using forward osmosis like in our blood cells to leave the solids inside and naturally push water molecules out.

GM Opal - Bionic car - Minimum material for maximum strength like used in trees and roots - Make bridges etc

ASKNATURE.ORG
organise all biological info by design and engineering function - EOL
inventor - creation - how does nature remove salt from water - kidneys and mangroves - new models from elders, nature.

Learning about Life and the importance of friends at 3am.

2011-02-04T03:06:00.007+05:30

T - is a social worker that works for Childline.
S - photographer, looking for a path of least resistance.

***

T - you called, anything urgent?
02:42am.

S - yea this link is urgent
http://moonchasing.wordpress.com/2010/10/29/invisible-city-part-one-a-short-history-of-a-slum/
tom shits going down, bulldozers are chucking the slum guys whove lived aeons, and destroying all their houses to build the airport. People who have worked for 6 Rupees ON THE AIRPORT to build their houses over the years are now getting bulldozed down without rehabilitation, and theres a bunch of people trying to stop this. and i need to go there to photograph but i dont know who or where or how yet

T - ok

S - so nothing i was crying and needed to talk, so i thougt id call but its cool. i feel helpless and BLIND and surrounded by too much pain and i either want out or to be immersed in it and try to stop it

T - i usually take the out

S - what o you do when you meet some little girl whose raped and shit or any kid whose fucked up.
what do you do if you desperately want to scream and just have it stop or leave and wish you never knew
what do you do....

T - i do whats i can do for that child to the best of my ability, but i also emotionally separate myself out of the equation
to best of my ability

S - emotionally seperate yourself ? how od you do that. im crying reading articles not even seeing it happen.

T - my emotional state is of no value or use or benefit to the child. They are not looking for someone to cry with

S - yeah i understand. it doesnt add value only removes from it but what do you do about your OWN PAIN from seeing/knowing shit

T - cry it out when i need to, swallow it when i dont

S - and how o you feel about the neverending cycle of bullshit youre immersed in?

T - i feel at least its a cycle

S - as in, powerless to change the situation in this lifetime only help along the way?

T - yup.at least i am diggin when the shit piles on... even though there is more shit then i can dig

S - If the guy calls me to tell me about this shit im crying abour right now im going for it.

T - do it

S - yea so dont you feel its futile to be in the shit n not the flowers?

T - there are no flowers :-)

S - there are flowers if you dont know theres shit. So following the flowers or following the shit i cant figure out life itself
what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO if i want to help the shit and i want to be IN the flowers at the same time...i cant rest in peace either way

T - just cause u chase the imaginary flowers doesnt make you a bad person

S - ignorance does feel like bliss. running for the flowrrs - art music love travel nature...or getting into the mass shit...matam, demolitions, dharavi and leather

T - you just have to do what makes you happy wihtout making other ppl miserable

S - both make me cry in different ways. This is why i cannot get into commercial world stuff. Its not flowers nor is it shit. It's not clear peace and its not helping anyone, not even me.

T - i dont know

S - i dont know either....

T - sorry really gonna pass out, we'll talk later

S - really really needed this conversation.
Thanks so much

RSA Animate - The Secret Powers of Time

2011-01-14T02:54:00.000+05:30

England: Arambol pt3

2011-01-03T11:18:00.000+05:30

England: Arambol pt3

Andrew Bird's one-man orchestra of the imagination | Video on TED.com

2010-11-29T04:22:00.000+05:30

Andrew Bird's one-man orchestra of the imagination | Video on TED.com

2010-11-24T00:37:00.001+05:30

In order of Imporatance:

Self Actualization

Esteem

Social/Belonging

Safety

Psyciological

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

2010-10-27T02:42:00.000+05:30

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

Y'ALL GON GET UR MINDS BLOWN THE F*CK OUTTA THIS WORLD

2010-10-12T13:54:00.000+05:30

Barbatuques - Baiana

2010-10-12T01:32:00.000+05:30

Did You Know?

2010-08-12T00:42:00.000+05:30

: )

2010-06-04T17:36:00.005+05:30

O_o

2010-03-20T22:50:00.001+05:30

ameture renditions can be awesome too apparantly

Man's Environment Powertrip

2010-03-17T06:56:00.002+05:30

Precious Art Score:

2010-03-17T05:17:00.007+05:30

At first I gwaked at it for a bit, wide eyed with wonderment trying hard to understate a face made by those who covet while uncomfortably speedspeaking in awe and minutes later my friend and awesome illustrator, Andrew Alderfer here in Pont Aven gave me his painting! woohoo! I think it's impeccable, intricate and alive. and will go up in my room with fond memories that run deep.

This blog can barely graze the surface about what I think of his work, but do check out his blog for some meaningful eye candy:

DREW ALDERFER OF ILLUSTRATION

http://drewalderfer.blogspot.com/

C'est la!

L'encre Dessinant:

La Peinture:

Piano stairs - Rolighetsteorin.se - The fun theory

2009-10-13T00:31:00.001+05:30

I need more fun stuff...

All is full of love

2009-10-11T23:52:00.001+05:30

Bjork and Chris Cunningham pwnage

Chris Cunningham - Gucci

2009-10-11T20:15:00.001+05:30

Inspirational advertisement...

Marine Drive, Mumbai, Google Earth

2009-08-26T06:15:00.002+05:30

home - My house by the first stadium!

how cool is this!!
http://www.marinedrive.org/flyby.htm

2009-06-21T20:52:00.005+05:30

Dear Kanika,
Please refer to these links for futher instruction, motivation and inspiration when you feel bored during your free hours.. The effects will only be conducive to your aims for more hours of productive recreational activity
Thank you very much,
Kanika.

Poi Duet - Intense

2009-06-21T20:44:00.001+05:30

Battle at Kruger - Nature's beautiful dances

2009-06-21T20:43:00.001+05:30

Statment for Children at Matam Series:

2009-06-21T16:01:00.002+05:30

Children are a fresh canvas of thought. Being underdeveloped, with respect to a wider perspective on where they stand in the world in terms of critical choice, their learning curve is partially directed in shadows of sectarian parental faith. Exposed to religious indoctrination they are guided with methods of religious demonstration, an aspect of religion that is an offspring of human moralities.

With the perspective of intuitive reasoning I would like to address the question of premature individual choice and religious indoctrination of children through these portraits.

Civilization Video - pure genius

2009-06-21T15:57:00.002+05:30

Civilization by Marco Brambilla from CRUSH on Vimeo.

2009-06-09T04:25:00.002+05:30

3 days later If the 'intellectualizing me' had to advice the 'limited I' in all of us it would say:
Just be, just do it. don't think it (you just lost your moment, dont speak it (you just lost your moment:), your actions will be your expressions. Not in complacence but to your very fullest rising potential to honour this priviledge of existence, just be, to make the world a beautiful place, you are the teacher, student and the message, every moment counts, silence knows everything, your ego, desire, attachment, pain, fear, anger and thought is mindstuff, you ARE where your awareness rests, your action IS you, become it, do it, express the force, exist and sometimes thats enough.. :)

Golden brown texture like sun..

2009-06-09T02:04:00.004+05:30

On sat 6th June 2009 TNT, mosh and I camped out in Ambi. It was a profound moment on this earth plane that I'll forever be grateful for and will never be able to re experience via my own merit hence all due credit must be given to psilocybe and the parabrahman.

We were given a map of the macrocosm with a discourse in silence, that broke down piece by piece the universal picture of creation with a negative iteration onward to the microcosmic, us. It was all explained while our minds worked on the soul and neuron level in complete synchronity. We travelled together; transcended space, time, mind, matter into wave beings; expressing and learning the oneness of universal creator through sweet orgiastic sighs, ethereal space sounds, jumping planes in a quantum dance with every instinctual synaptic fire, merciless at feet of blissful mushroom clouds with a golden lining of intrinsic love, surrender and knowledge...mushroom therapie.

I know a few eternal messages, came through the limitations of diminished human memory systems while the collective mind was being rewired, connected and enabled for an upward soaring awareness on this grand ride

The moment you speak about a think you miss the mark so lets take this blog entry as a minute solar flare, a spark in a forest fire. A flash of human memory in an infinite play. A burning need to bring back a grain of sugar from the sand.

Matam: Bombay, India Jan 09

2009-01-14T02:17:00.004+05:30

Shot on Thursday 8th Jan 09, Muharram - Matam at Bhindi Bazaar, Bombay, India.

And then i saw the kids with knives bleeding.

kids with knives...

Came home with blood on my arms, feet, face and my backback was soaked after backing up into the guy above.

Ofcourse it was an experience..ofcourse i have pages to write but everytime i try to do that theres this heavy uncomfortable urge to use profanity and everything that crosses the line of being opinionated and diplomatic.

It wasnt the act. It was the kids at Muharram.

I got plenty of responses and all were of shock. nobody expected this and now that its available, I believe everyone should have a look for some perspective on what goes on around the world in the name of religion.

I don't think I can get more raw in my words than this.

2009-01-08T14:36:00.002+05:30

hah swarathma gig shoot cancelled. no piddlyshit money and no stress going to bandra on muharram after walking around all day with blood on my feet.

I'm stuck between being very relieved and disappointed.

What can go wrong will go wrong...
or not?

M&M photoshoot.

2009-01-08T12:22:00.004+05:30

Muharram and Music:

I'm intimidated about today. After basking in comfort provided by a thick blanket, self motivated seclusion and comfort food, I'm suddenly faced with a day where I've decided to photograph Muharram AND the Swarathma's album launch (Bangalore based folk rock band).

My day will start in the afternoon and end late at night. I'll spend some hours following the Juloos doing Matam at Bhindi Bazaar. I've never seen Matam practised, nor have I photographed it. I have no idea what kind of tiny details to look out for either but have a vague idea through photos online. After which I'll head straight for Bandra to a club called Bonobo (which is a type of monkey that likes to fuck after it gets violent, did they know this?).

The contrast between mourning, blood, pain, reflection, excused SIV and later, joyous creative harmonised and expressive musical outburst will end with a potential system shock for the hybernating lazy parasitic creative self.
Actually I'm positive that today is going to throw me off balance in the mental space im currently submerged in.

***

On re reading my last post, I'm disappointed that I couldnt accurately express the emotions behind my week in Gokarna and erroneously breaking that down into a factual, one sided account of what happened is veritably missing the mark and that post should be passed off as lame on all accounts

***

I;ve been posting on timepass threads on www.sharinglungs.com and i'm now aware that I absolutely hate messing around forums because of its addictive nature. Just like facebook. Unfortunately I'm sucked in so deep into the facebook addiction vortex that I shall look down up yet excuse it. : s

***

3 serious timewastage links I've been visiting:
www.sharinglungs.com
www.ananova.com
http://www.bunny-comic.com

***

Notes::

Cat food takes like shit.
Cats on macs don't look good.
Exercise is a requirement not a luxury intertwined with freetime.
Facebook sucks.

Gokarna

2009-01-01T17:56:00.002+05:30

1st Jan 2009. Looking back at the immediate past.
The last week of December 08' couldn't have been more fullfilling.
I spent the last 4g that i got from my Magic event on a trip to Gokarna.

I met some interesting characters who I chose to spend most of my time with. The three days before that were disturbing and interesting. I watched a friend do md alone with spurts and a rush of emotions and confusion within myself and between us. The trip on the whole was me learning about a surprisingly calm, intune with, clean and real part of myself with no disappointment or incliniation of being intoxicated or taking any moment for granted and focusing on what really was important.

The good stuff was hours of hanging out with Toni and Tommy from Finland. Remember this, rememeber this. It was absolutely great. Tommy. 'Tommy the cat' lover and drug voyager who I has earned a soft spot in my system for his gentle quiet and surprising nature. Toni is a random traveller, opinionated, very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with a literary gift who i bumped into by the bonfire. He's also the person who made the 'druggy folder' and collected all the Terence Mckenna and passed it on to Sourabh, random.person.no2, that i met in Bangalore via encountering Joos in Vata and grabbed this off him immediately.
The universe brought the learners, messengers, discoverers and people who are turned on by a handful of similar ideas from different worlds, together within a few months in 08'. Cheers Toni and Sourabh. : )

My travel company disappointed me where environment rigidness, enclosed mindspaces, lack of people exploration and a subliminal fixation on getting fucked up on drugs for the holiday which goes against my basic principle on travelling thereby bringing out a part of me that wanted to exclude myself from the above mentioned states.
Fair enough I suppose.

Returning home was a disappointment. No class, money that remained and a void on missing out on an exciting at gokarna after connecting with other travellers.

Good moments with Oscar though. : )

I miss you so much it hurts :(

2008-12-21T11:27:00.002+05:30

'it'sallaboutthehesaidshesaidbullshit' -LB

2008-12-20T22:16:00.003+05:30

Dear K,
This is what he said:
Sean: "I thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me. I fell into a deep peaceful sleep. I haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me? You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about."

Dear D,
This is what they said,
Will: You ever heard the saying any port in the storm?
Sean: Yeah.
Will: Maybe that means you.
Sean: In what way?
Will: Maybe you're in the middle of a storm a big fucking storm. The skies falling on your head. The waves are crashing over your little boat. The ores are about to snap. You're just pissing your pants. You're crying for the harbor. So, maybe you did what you got to do to get out. You know maybe you became a psychologist.
Sean: Bingo that's it. Let me do my job now.
Will: Maybe you married the wrong woman.
Sean: Maybe you should watch your mouth. Watch it right there chief all right.
Will: That's it isn't it? You married the wrong woman. What happened? What she leave you? Was she, ya know banging some other guy?
Sean: If you ever disrespect my wife again I will end you. I will fucking end you! Got that chief?
Will: Times up.
Sean: Yeah.
*

And the rest is :

Sean: You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you dared to love anybody that much.

*
Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead.

*

Chewlies Gum Representative: "You're spending what? Twenty, thirty dollars a week on cigarettes... Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay someone that much money every week to kill you? Because that's what you're doing now, by paying for the so-called privilege to smoke!... It's that kind of mentality that allows this cancer-producing industry to thrive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on a counter and say, "Please, please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir; please sell me something that will give me bad breath, stink up my clothes, and fry my lungs... Of course it's not that easy to quit; not when you have people like this mindless cretin so happy and willing to sell you nails for your coffin... Now he's going to launch into his rap about how he's just doing his job; following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another bunch of hate mongers that were just following orders; they were called Nazis, and they practically wiped a nation of people from the Earth... just like cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette smoking is the new Holocaust, and those that partake in the practice of smoking or selling the wares that promote it are the Nazis of the Nineties! He doesn't care how many people die from it! He smiles as you pay for your cancer sticks and says, "Have a nice day."

*

Arresting Officer: Sir, could I please see your license?
Pedro: Whuut?
Arresting Officer: Your license. Where's your license?
Pedro: It's back there on the bumper, man!
Arresting Officer: No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.
Pedro: Oh yeah, I got the bullshit back here man...
[gets license with great difficulty]
Pedro: Hey I thought'a somethin' really funny, man... Your mother!
[laughs]
Arresting Officer: [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?
Pedro: uuhhh... Isn't in on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...

*

Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?
Pedro: A week. I mean a day.
Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?
Pedro: A weekday

*

Sgt. Stedenko: Now just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?
Unknown: Which basketball?
Sgt. Stedenko: Which basketball?

And Toto said:

2008-12-20T21:56:00.006+05:30

"What?"

Say what again, Say What Again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.

Pussy Art

2008-12-13T10:24:00.001+05:30

On the other hand:

2008-12-06T17:52:00.005+05:30

(Sleepymaggie)

"The writer must be able to revel and roll in the abundance of words; he must know not only the direct but also the secret powers of the word. There are overtones and undertones to a word, and lateral chaos, too" - Knut Hamsun (Norwegian Novelist)

Looking in from out here:

2008-12-02T11:38:00.002+05:30

I build cities on my wrists and raze them.
[I write letters on my knees and erase them.]
22 Apr 2003

kanika,

let me say this now, while we still trust our voices, while our voices are young and bluescarred and beautiful.

let me say this when the evening is liquid beauty and bottled up, everything glimmering and out of reach. it is spring, your words on my windowpane. let me say the light is different, I can finally see. it is violent, dreadful, I sleep with your words & never wake without fear, all chronic coughing and exhaustion. this light, your words, & I can see I will die young & hard in my bones; let me say lay me in the grave of our terminal girlhoods.

all your text, let me say, it's remorseless. it's vaginal desolation. it's walking backwards to the temple it's ringing bells with tongues it's pissing in the holy water it's licking the lips of gods. let me say it's asking priests how to fuck. it's get your hands off my mouth and on my breasts, it's come on what the fuck are you waiting for, it's are you still pretending you're not moved. it's electric blue laughs and cellophane complexities and foxtrot elegies.

let me say, it's gorgeous desperation. it's feline madness and saucers full of dreams. it's gingham dresses and bleeding wrists. it's fallow fields and a tiger lily. let me say I know you make promises so you can hear the sound of their splinters. let me tell you I know you by your scars. let me wonder myself sick and vomit your papercut stars. it's boyfuck shimmy. it's 'heartache' written in sparkle. it's 'love' written in spit.

let me say this now: shut up, shut up, you are ruining me.

K.A.

*****

This post is documentation and evidence, of my attachment, her beauty, my growth, her message, my turbulence, her intensity, my explosions, her projection, my ego, her spirit and my death:

I paste this here as a reply and to remind myself that words, in this amendment, in this cycle and my reflection of the world are manipulative mirrors of everything that must not be spoken of. No more than photobooth effects on a mac and 0101s in a .txt. I cannot let words go because they're a volatile, consequential mode without which I would *feel* directionless, motionles, stagnent, scared and seperate.

A personal realization of mine is that my lust and trust for words at this stage is less credible in comparison to still/moving visuals, music, silence and touch.

Tools are Tools
Abuse is Abuse
That is This.

And I'm trying, K : )

*

RAM/ROM 29903

2008-12-02T10:57:00.002+05:30

The rain is warm and the leaves are melting melting melting,
(This isn’t the first storm I’ve been in,
that just refuses to let up)

I feel something wet dripping onto my shoulders and tilt my head back to see all the colour sliding from the trees,
then I squeeze my eyes shut as it bleeds into puddles of muddy jade on the footpath, and leaves inky emerald stains to spread across my sleeves.

I can hear every drop fall and splatter on the pavement, unceasing, as I shiver once, cough twice and wonder what’s left...

The birds cry as the bricks shift and ache in their cold walls and a man hurries by, holding something close to his chest and I wonder if it’s precious or broken or alive, (Because I’m living proof you can be all those things, at the same time)
and there’s something soothing about the rivers of green running past my ankles.

I glance skyward again and let go of the only breath I thought I could hold, because today I see nothing but black branches,
against sky.

***
Question This:

What is the confusing this thats almost imploding on itself?

"Do you really need a reply? A reply is but symapthy, advise, or yet another gatecrash into your emotions." - Toto Vellani

*

Question That:

Pertaining to my question on headfuckage by an insatiatable proliferation of love towards an impalable 'that', Kanupriya on msn years ago said:

"Distance only as a ploy, a poetic
Device, a means to make the end
Magnificent."

***

For Rave Magazine Dec Issue 2008

2008-11-17T17:56:00.002+05:30

5 songs I'm currently in love with and on my playlist:

1. My Smile is a Rifle -
   John Fruciante - Niandra Lades and Usually Just a T-shirt - 1994

2. Down by the Water -
   PJ Harvey - To Bring You my Love - 1995

3. Untitled track 14 and 18 -
   John Fruciante - Niandra Lades and Usually Just a T-shirt - 1994

4. Weird Fishes-Arpeggi -
   Radiohead - In Rainbows - 2007

5. 4 8 15 16 23 42 -
   Deedrah - Temple of Science - 2007

****

Pick a song to dedicate:

It's in our Hands -
Bjork - FamilyTree/Greatest Hits Boxset - 2002 - Dedicated to Kalhan Raina.

*****

backdrift....

2008-11-12T21:57:00.003+05:30

'I dont believe in an interventionist god, but i know darlin' that you do, but if did i would kneel down and ask him.....' - nick c.
to intervene just this once and give me the extraordinary power to boycott the ignorant, hurtful and unexplainable and go about my day with peaceful anticipation and memories of freedom.

and since we're here, and if i had the time, i might even ask to intervene with a handful of lost soul, selfsufficiency, an antimindstagnating pill, reframing of a recycling neuron network into a new framework and some more cool gadgets...

*****

mmm....chocolate coated walnuts: my mum is a great great person.

****

2 horribly tiresome and nagging dreams/wishes:
A Micro lens
Concert photography for Radiohead.

yes here's where you laugh in my face and mock me with your upside grin and i smack you silly claiming both to be a possibility,

***

exercise everything...
mind, body, creativity and rights.

**

listen closer.

*

and so i understand that life IS a funny beast.

2008-11-12T21:52:00.001+05:30

"Much like the ink tablets; when wet, they provide ink, when dry, they're still around, and when wet again they provide ink once more. I've been thinking of you for years."

high five, oscar?
:)

Nov 5th Wednesday

2008-11-06T07:55:00.002+05:30

I saw a comet on saturday night in Mahableshwar that lasted a second and a half and shot across a cloudless starstruck sky. Intense. (more like WHAT the fuck was that...)

My legs gave way with astonishment and I leaped on k.
Poor boy.

More overwhelming than that is the astonishment of experiencing things so great in a continuous series over the past couple of months. Moving fuzzy trees bursting with life, sunsets so pink your eyes hurt, skies bursting with stars, a comet, a storm on the beach, clouds rising from underneath us, too many wild flowers, uncontrollable laughing fits, harsh disappointments, survival, attraction and repulsion simultaneously, contentment, grand and powerful kindness from strangers and aching silences.

All of it together has been a lifetime already.
How did we get so lucky?

*****

oh..: Im contemplating dreads or should it be a protien treatment?

I fucked around on a linux terminal for 5 hours today learning commands and had SO much fun. Now I know whyyy they spend hours doing that. hah and alot starts with 'ssh'...almost like "ssh, just for you to know, not the common man ;)"

I'm broke.

I couldnt answer Oscar when he asked me what love is and feel bad for the disappointment.

I miss the simplicity that comes with boredom. At the moment, the latter is anything but.

I'm feeling hung up about getting randomly laid. Nothing seems soulful enough. Opportunities flow and I shun them.

I miss the old but not enough to want it so I need to suck it up and its hard.

I'm glad Terence Mckenna speaks of what we already know. It makes for crazy listening.
I'm glad John Fruciante doesn't. It makes for crazy listening.

I'm insecure about new thoughts and theories intimidating me enough to want to shun them.
Where's the acceptance, where's the acceptance?

I'm in shock that I spoke to Aunty Leela and Alisha in the same day after over 12 years and it was purely circumstantial.

I want to throw honesty and lovestuff around so the people who need it can get with the program and swallow some when required. That would be nice wouldnt it?

I need another fucking Tattoo. Someone hear me.

If all my sentences start with the absence of 'i' things might actually get somewhere...
And being aware of this is the first step to metamorphosis...

Save yourself from this madness of 'self'.
Be littler than the dot on the 'i'.
do it..
Do it.

28th Sept Sunday

2008-11-06T07:52:00.001+05:30

m afraid if i speak ill miss the mark. graze the surface in the form of a hairline cut and feel nothing. my best bet is to be silent...
for the first time, im writing a blog entry...and i know where im going with this without having to say it.

I want to, for the sake of blogging, documenting, remembering this time... there might come a time when ill vent it out and tarnish it...miss my point...

for now im going to hang on to a feeling i dont posess at the moment and walk blind in the darkness and hope it will all fall into place if whats inside me really is as pure as i currently imagine.

devoid of sleep for over 29 hours, i realize i must write when things are white again.

MDMA and a pen.
MDMA and a pen.
MDMA and a pen.

"and tonight we'll lay in the garden
where were bury our souls into the ground
today we'll lay in the garden
we will lift our souls from out of the grave." - linda perry

Far too early or late?

2008-11-06T07:42:00.003+05:30

So I made a new blog. I thought : 'ah, im done with this part of my life, heres where i start a new chapter' but I'm kind of lost there.. I get stuck in a weird place when I see another blog name on the top.

I only wrote 3 entries anyway.

So I'm going to post them here with dates and continue this one.

This is me. This was my life. This is my documentation. I really have nothing to run away from. Breaks are alright when coming to terms with passive aggresiveness, acceptance and everything else isnt it?

2008-05-01T01:49:00.001+05:30

i broke into your world, your fucking obscene poetry where beauty is the sunrise, where the steam of coffee cupped in cheap white styrofoam paints mosaics in the air, where the smoke laced morning mist is breathing cigarettes like second hand opinions, its just a picture fucking perfect storybook creation, what costume did love have on anyway?

2008-05-01T01:39:00.000+05:30

Maybe if we hadn't walked the edges
If I hadn't fallen (leapt) in
If you didn't cradle me inside your sweater
Like a tiny lost kitten, scruffy and grateful in your lap...
Perhaps if something invisible hadn't prompted you
Forced your thoughts, really into my mouth
Sinking down my throat, exploring the depths
Maybe if we hadn't dangled our feet in that icy water
Catching our deaths together
It wouldn't have ended as it did...
I'm still thankful for the circumstances.

2008-05-01T01:38:00.001+05:30

I feel something sticky
And lift my hands to examine
There's a smear of chocolate on my smallest finger
Delicate silver rings swirling around my cylinder
Of skin and bone
I raise it to my lips and suck off the dark sweetness
And vaguely wonder where it came from
Maybe something supernatural just knew
I needed a high of some kind right now
And sugar seems as good as any...

2008-05-01T01:36:00.001+05:30

From the doorway you changed my mind
With your verbal remote control
I laughed and lay back on the pillow
And exercized my title
While you stressed the point
And I sank beneath the afterthoughts
That define me...
That disguise me...

2008-05-01T01:28:00.000+05:30

You tell me you admire my 'work'. I nod, politely, and tell you the same... we speak about the weather, emotion, touching on each subject like a knife grazing the throat of its victim... never brave enough to pierce the surface... eventually you say that I'm 'Nothing like you imagined...' As if you had expected me to write in verse, to be consummed in darkness... I may be surrounded, but I will never be consummed... so don't act so surprised when I smile...

Bunny Returns OST

2008-04-05T02:11:00.003+05:30

I'm back.
Aruna spoke about you at bluefrog last night and I suddenly had a rush of memories and realized I couldnt really leave. : p
Things are good, things are at ease.
I rest easy and take big strides with productivity holding my hand.
I have so much to say. Oof!

mm..beauty.incense.excess.shadows.seduction.not.touch.spin.never.rainbows.sharply.milds.untouchable.excitement.telephone.emptiness.shutter.grass.glitter.wedges.sex.x's.scarlet.tongue.endlessness.sensual.longing.girls.light.tension.nights.star.rough.hand.scarf.smog.tear.s.silence.escape.enough.heat.tug.grin.need.delve.elevate.elusiveness.swirl.lick.kiss.sickness.smoke.exhale.end.deep.pure.endurance.expecting.gush.hugged.dancing.growth.heart.tangle.eyelashes.trip.push.hips.rain.poi.notes.sleep.deej.storm.melt.cofee.art.toughness.seep.paint.tremble.enter.release.breasts.suede.effect.toss.slip.peel.strawberries.kicked.connection.young.gone.erased.drips.shallow.whisper.real.longing.nothing.glow.want.truth.

Winter was awful. All of december and january..
I wrapped my arms around my knees, pulling into my chest, putting everything I could between Me and The World.

My year started this febuary.
Leading lines, diversions, artistic freedom, self discovery and so much more that the words would wrap around my room 3 times over.
I'll do that even...but tonight I just wanted to say hello.

2007-09-23T23:53:00.000+05:30

There are so many 'gods' out there to challenge, so many fears to conquer... so many habits to overcome, a thousand mountains to climb... billions of bridges to burn in my wake... so many waves I want to crash myself under, a hundred different trucks to screech to a stop....

2007-07-06T17:17:00.001+05:30

It went like this,
I tried to write today; I tried to write today which is of course a fallacy for putting in effort. Putting thought into a stream of words will necessarily convolute the hidden flowing id with willful thick pollution of the conscious world. It's all a little odd that I can't write as I am, never knowing what it is I want in conscious states. Place all my faith in worlds that run beneath the surface and I know I used to write through means of orchestration. I think the rhythm needs to change a bit. The process was labored and long and far too contrived to make for a truth the way I know now oh one might argue that truth is subjective that that was no less honest in its own way but 'twas less pure not intrinsic, planned, which makes it less than the words that i spill now that can't be blocked or warped or formed into meanings other than the first, you see? i'm sure i'm sure you do or don't and nod your head in some small agreement or perhaps you don't and might admit but those are rare indeed, ah but so it goes,

i can't write today go back to the yesterday i can't write today go back to the yesterday i can't write today go back to the yesterday where words were streaming

Macbook Magic

2007-06-25T18:04:00.001+05:30

More Pics

2007-06-22T20:18:00.000+05:30

(The mad lightening from my balcony on the 1st of June, the first rain)

(Fire Dancer at Anjuna Beach, Goa, Jan 2007)

(First day with my new Canon 400d : D - Model: Rayan)

I Should Have Been a Wildfire

2007-05-08T18:28:00.001+05:30

Conceived by the heavens and born upon the dry lands of Earth by a star's death or lightnings touch. Nothing...then spontaneous life and a need to consume and unearthly heat and terrible beauty. Blazing across wide fields and open plains leaving ash and embers and scorched earth and emptiness ready for a new tomorrow. Silent or screaming amidst the winds and the rain and the storms but always moving forward, never allowing the wind to carry me away or the rain to extinguish my flame, or even the storm to alter my course.
I would move everywhere and in every direction taking in all I could. Everything I touched would become part of me and they would rejoice at first at my glorious luminescence and wondrous warmth but too late realize their fate. I would leave them burned and blackened behind me and continue on until I reached the mountain's base and I would ask,
"Good mountain, would you kindly step aside that I might taste the bounties beyond?"
but the mountain, having seen my ways, would not move and I would speak again,
"Fair mountain, I must make it to the other side or I may not survive long"
and still the mountain would not move and I would speak one last time,
"Foul mountain you have forsaken me, I who was brought from the heavens by holy fire, I who might have encompassed the land and been happy and left the world in peace"
and then the mountain would respond,
"You blind fool, you could never be content, you think of nothing but your next conquest and never of the death and destruction you leave in your wake, I shall never move for the likes of you"
and he would not move and I would draw myself towards him but I could never climb those cold stone walls and so I would burn myself out at the foot of the mountain and with my dying breath I would lament,
"I should have been a mountain"
and years later the mountain would look out over his valley and see beauty rising from the ashes and think to himself,
"Perhaps she wasn't so terrible after all"

Bleeding Dry

2007-04-27T14:32:00.001+05:30

"how you emphasize me…"
He said [with his dictator’s jaw and assassin tongue and everything voice…]

…Your brittle bones are the only things holding your skin on and keeping you from being a puddle of water on the floor beside my bed. Your skeleton is a doll's to mine. Your little bones feel underdeveloped and hollow, and could fit inside of mine. But for those ribs I would shatter every bone in my body…

I didn't respond; he spoke on [my lips, he spoke against my lips]

…My girl, your lips are your punctuation, they give every sentence you whisper the necessary pull, or drag, or slice. Everything you say kisses me and I am constantly fumbling my inadequate lips in an attempt to love them back. I stumble with kisses and you blow yours away with indifference. I find them later in the cracks in the walls…

I blinked. I should have known better.

…You trap me inside your head when you blink. I am using my hands to free myself from behind black eyeliner and waiting until you open those dark eyes to the light, that’s when I fall out. I am blind and confused next to you. The way you see is the way I don’t.

I wanted to undo him so I drew blood from my arm.

…I don’t even think I bleed so red. I probably don’t even bleed anymore…

He wasn't bleeding, but I was. He's always making me question his definitions of beauty, and I came to a realization as i bled there in his dust covered bedroom.

...even your tears sparkle more than anything I could create.

He says these things, yet won't cry, doesn't bleed, and has rough skin. He doesn't even understand beauty, and if he's wrong, than what am I?

I am bleeding dry.

His lack of blood is emphasized.

Inconclusive Ones.

2007-04-27T14:18:00.000+05:30

We decided not to say
That we're going away
Taking leave
Falling astray
We decided that we'd fly fast through clouds
Like deflating balloons
And fly on to different suns
But not a word
For the leaving.

And that day
When you abruptly held my wrist
And dissappeared
Into thinner air
Suddenly
And suddenly
I felt that it was better
To let you go (for a while)
Without words
That could only weep
As we know
That an end doesn't always justify its means
We are the Inconclusive Ones
Rich in mystery and intensity, and without
End.

- Toto Vellani

All Night All Day

2007-04-19T02:06:00.000+05:30

*I'm sitting on a red and blue striped sofa in BOT's PG place. The most uncomfortable one I've ever sat on. My habit of folding one leg back into myself is betraying me. No more comfort. There's a dull pain on the outside of my right thigh just where the knee starts and yes, I blame this excuse for a padded chair. This one nudges and pushes. The arm rests were put here to abuse soft flesh, burying deep into it. A sore spot on my leg accompanied by a steady and continous grudge against the old paraphenalia in this confined space.

It'll be my last day here, no more bathroom murders of roaches and mosquitoes with dangerously pilfered blood. No more sleeping on a bed, together with my BOT, thats meant to hold a single human form. I can almost bring myself to fill this page and 20 after it, with my complaints but I don't see much in making a nuisance of myself and wasting paper and this fine ink that are far more precious than the empty spaces in my head that have been filled up by inhibitions and nasty thoughts.....
...okay, SO THIS PLACE IS SO SEEDY!! : O Ha, just had to get it out even if the complaint is devoid of any real detail and makes me seem like an uptight townie.

*Maybe its the heat. Even the prettiest things and those that are the most aesthetically pleasing to my emotions seem polluted in this weather. We need the rains. I'd rather die in a flood after a torrential downpour of cold and wet than feel the softness that covers my body fry in the Devil's own saucepan. I'm breathing fire... the end is near and May isn't even here yet.

*Two favourite lines from songs currently on my playlist...

"Hot sticky wetness wiring wet visions of virility between our bodys sensations..... Ouch"
This one is definately a tongue twister if you say it fast enough.

and

"Dust my body with the talcum powder of illegal alien ancestory. I belong to no one, citizen of nowhere, that's who i'll be"
If this line plays in your head right, you'll swear God was a woman and She sang this song. Yes, the vocalist deserves a capital 'S.' If not any other or the big giant head, She's definately the Goddess of Sex. Only because of the way these words roll out of her mouth that is. It's like sexual tension oozing out of her. Perfection.

*It's 2:38 in the afternoon. Pulled an all nighter at Rayan's place. I was too sleepy to be hungry earlier and now I'm too hungry to be sleepy. No lunch for another hour. Not until my BOT wakes up from deep slumber.

*I held my breath for a minute and three seconds last night. I know I can go upto a minute and thirty when submerged under water but smoking one too many has shortened my survival time by 1/3rd.
Rayan's friend Rachit bought himself a Digididoo, (if that's how you spell it?) which is now at Ray's place and the four of us spent 3 hours trying to sustain a sound from it. It was impossible for me to blow the pipe for more than 6 seconds in the first hour and by the end of the third, I held a continous sound for 37 seconds! 37 seconds of lung power. I'm quite proud of that. :) Rachit's had it for months and he could hold it for 25 at the most. If i can hold my breath for a minute, I might even be able to blow out air for an entire minute and if i do i will be the Digididoo Goddess.
*And you've just watched me simmer in a hot bath of proud gloatyness for an entire page*

Last night was fun. We lit skin on fire, fingers, legs, hands and then cigarettes. Played with the organ and then fiddled like amateurs with nanchuks. At dawn we sat on the swings in the playground and climbed up the slide instead of down it. We defied the word Slide. After which, we perched ourselves on bars 12 feet up and had a morning cigarette to celebrate the events past, in playful conversation.

Clayton made me a dead strong cup of coffee at 7am which brought me here after a bike ride that almost made love to the road. I found out today that Honda's can do that, even when there's a war going on under the tires.
'Whisked away by the wind with smooth sailing at sunrise.'
See, I wouldn't be able to make a pretty sentence like that if it wern't a Honda. Due credit to that fine company *nod*

Time for a 'cancer break' as BOT says. I might not return as my forefinger is red and sore, which is to say, that I will not return as my lungs need to be massaged by the soft embers of nicotine love...

2007-04-06T01:16:00.000+05:30

Sohail told me to be happy so im happy now okayy????: D
Happy times are on their way.. im going to try not to crib... okay?!

updates

2007-04-05T20:17:00.000+05:30

I have my first board exam in 2 days and I havent opened a book yet. Like seriously, what am I thinking. My centre is in DHAISAR!!!! thats fucking out of bombay.. im a townie.. how the fuck am i going to get there. fuck.
*
I had the worlds worst stomach for 4 days, but the bad times are over now.
*
It was my Two year anniversary with Gautham yesterday. I love the boy so goddamn much. :)
*
My sisters leaving for singapore forever tomorrow.
*
I bought my own pack of cigs after like 2 weeks!! I've been bumming off everyone.. trying to reduce and all that but fuck that.
*
My baby is going back to bangalore forever in 10 days... My entire life is changing due to some other events that I dont want to blog about. I'm upset and scared and euphoric at the same time. *blush* I got a ring yesterday. Its beautiful.
*
Rayans going back to Jeddah forever next month. Kichu and Ray broke up.. im so pissed off about this.. I feel like I WANT to do something to stop this..but I shouldnt and cant and wont even if i could.
Lara got into NYU!! and shes going away froever in July.
As I said, my life is changing....
*
I need to lose weight. Im SO SO aware of this but im being a bum about it. I know ill get to it when my bot is gone. I have to.
*
I feel like crying right now... on the verge of.. no reason or anything... just overwhelmed about too many things... one of those days when you want to run away... one of those days when you crave some good company but wouldnt take it even if it came your way because you need to be stubborn like that.
*
*Sigh*

My first limerick!

2007-04-05T20:13:00.000+05:30

There was an ole fart named Gautham
Who had the worlds most perfect bottom
He would poop really loud
and burst every cloud'
but to this day I haven't caught him!

Rambling

2007-03-30T22:41:00.000+05:30

I saw Assault on Precinct 13, the remake. You were right Dearest. The movie sucks. What a star cast. Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburn, Brian Dennehy, Gabriel Byrne and Maria Bello and all of them were utterly wasted. As for comparisons with Carpenter's original, there is none! All of the sense of dread that Carpenter managed to evoke is just missing from this one. The story is different too. Why bother with a remake if you're going to change the details and then waste a talented cast ? This movie really pissed me off.

You were spot on about Antimatter too. They probably have more to do with the whole post-rock scene than with any other genre. I love this band. Don't know why I waited so long to get a hold of it.

Cautiously take cover in the woodland - no mistakes at all.
Some terrain will catch you at your weakest - careful not to fall.
Stay by the fire, sip from your water, lie in position, the winds blowing colder.
All these conditions will keep you from dying as long as you're looking over your shoulder.
Stay aware of echoes in the moonlight careful not to call.
Don't engage in any kind of dreaming, conscious through it all.
If in doubt find space beside a river, careful not to drown.
Stick it out, there's hope on the horizon - keep from going down.

----gk

Weakdays and Weekspots.

2007-02-21T05:03:00.000+05:30

Because sometimes music is colour. And there's ruby in headlights, and sometimes peppermint is more than a flavour when the sun's coming down. I've been addicted to those Splenda mints that Lara bought me. They dont let me breathe easy and they sting the tip of your tongue like a last kiss.

I decided to take a walk with pink skies yesterday, my Nike's grey from trampling the pavement with rubber soled 'health' slogans of the past. Hands jammed in my pockets, hair tangled and dancng with tender breeze of February. I usually walk after dark where it's easy to be alone but yesterday, I was happier being human with the rest of the world than a slave to the old '01' early-evening interface. Plus, I wanted to defy routine on a day that Determination had earned itself a capital letter.

Too many of 'them'. I wanted to I slip-slide my way through the icy footpath drones while ducking my head and batting my lashes to shake them off. Microscopic snowflakes. Germs even. Undfortunately it was impossible. We are the fleas of a thousand camels that have infested the armpit of India. Theres no such thing as 'myspace' unless youre referring to a dot com.

I passed by Barista, the official 'expresso bar'. I would usually be seduced by the smell of caffine but it seemed bitter without the night to compliment it. Mock me. I'm the voice of empty coffee cups and silent conversations but yesterday, I didnt get my foamed Mocha or jump at the chance to cup my hands around the warmth, feel comfortable and protected amidst societal chaos. No, that was too safe, and safety is almost as frightening as danger. I was in the mood to be a little uneasy. I wanted Mosambi Juice. Or maybe a GangaJamuna. The blood of a ripe fruit to excite me. Turn me on. Besides, everything is cyclic. I need constant revolutions and mindfucks over which liquid to injest on any given evening and overstimulation in order to witness the polarity, the opposite, searching for some level of insanity (however miniscule) to fill in the rest, to connect the dots, to cleanse the bloodpipes and lace the brain with soul. A Ganga-Jamuna would have been great but the goddess of Digestion had predetermined my fate. All I found was a sole fly infested 'Ganna' juice stall on the entire length of my undiscovered 'athletes track'. It wasnt enough, and if I couldnt get just what I wanted, I wouldnt have any at all.

Mission accomplished. I succumbed to my uneasiness one way or another and walked on with large strides and my I pod. (I think I'm married to it sans official documents.)

Those who can't understand or are unwilling to try, ask me again how I lived through the War of the Unsatisfied Palate during the supposed winter of Boringbay. I sigh and shake and inform that I'm alive because sometimes when there isnt a shot of caffine or an organic combination Potassium and Vitamin C, music is colour. And there's ruby in headlights and peppermint is more than a flavour when the sun's coming down...

Poetry falls vertically...

2007-02-21T04:05:00.001+05:30

Did you know that
I don't know what
makes a poem a poem?
Did you read that
in between the lines
the words all melt
into a single form?
I can't write in
broken lines with
simple words and
triple words and
thoughts that break
into the next and
next and next. It's
all too simple all too
empty, thirteen pages
filled with four
word fragments
hardly seems a
work of art...

What if I believe in horizontals, what if I want to splice a thought and run it through the city's streets, what if I think that I could wrap the world in stream of consciousness rife with inner life waiting for a linebreak that it will never find? And isn't that a little egotistical, what i mean to say is, someone's bound to find a greater means than structured rhyme, a pseudo-free verse begging to be tamed a universal. We'll have somebody speaking prophecies mind wide open looking for a little bit of silence...

*poetry, it simply falls, and falls and falls and colours the skies a lighter shade of real..*

Nonrefundable

2007-02-21T03:47:00.001+05:30

The door slowly closes and the sound is sucked out of the room
As you stand over where I'm crumpled
Between the door and the wall.
You mumble something and I feel a sudden weight in my outstretched hands
But I don't even have to look to know what's there -
A lump of charcoal that bleeds black ink onto my blue jeans…
You know, it looked like a human heart
When I gave it to you.

Randomness

2007-02-19T15:36:00.000+05:30

I'm now jaded about the things that would earlier overwhelm me.
Its too early to be tired...
like its too early to wake up at 12pm...too early to let go of extended rem...
*
Lara gave me littlei minimints on a pink box that says 'spoiled rotten'. Those words arent nearly enough for I could do with much more before being labeled such. *nod* Perspective perspective. The mints are yummy though...
*
Being 23 doesnt allow the freedom 19 did and thats a given, even so it'll never cease to sadden me in multiples as the years move on. A gold drop in steel, Bots gift..It's always around my neck, the mark of a secret warrior whose unsure of what the war is about.. A mark of the ripe age of 23 packed in sweade.
*
I dont think I'm going to mention this ever again so pay attention: I'm begining to like "ambient electro trance" ( *cough* I dont know what else I can call it) Only when intoxicated though. Where have I reached? What worlds? From Theatre of Tragedy 5 years ago to Amon Tobin now? Fuck!
*
My daddy gives me a packet of the original Silk Cuts every four days.. *gloat* : D (We can subtract this bit from my 'spoiled rotten' parahgraph earlier)
*
Thats all for now but ps : everyone must visit www.asofterworld.com atleast once if not religiously...

Old Memories

2007-02-04T21:46:00.000+05:30

I had forgotten what mornings look like...
I had forgotten the silence.

(Seaside at AB Towers, Cuffeparade, Bombay)

The Poi God

2007-01-31T00:31:00.001+05:30

Of Silent Fetishes

2007-01-30T21:19:00.000+05:30

Dear Sir,
If I had long hair I'd let you call me Repunzel and we'd braid our own fairytale with goblins and horses till we made our worlds collide in a solitary tower of soulful misty sex.
Yours Sincerely,
Kanika.

2007-01-19T14:23:00.000+05:30

Happy Birthday Toto.... miss you.
... BOICBUI.

Extract

2007-01-18T16:13:00.000+05:30

Mushroom Jack was older than I expected. He had those hands.. the ones that have ones inner vessels softly creating crevices, valleys and mountains in sand. He had rivers of ash in his hair and was dressed in crimson cotton. I was in search of a love potion and thats just what I got.. not those cheezy ones that you get in glass viles with a cork stopper with a sign in Monotype Corsiva saying "love potion" in cheap print. This was raw. And this was real. One millilitre down my throat directly from a syringe with a sip of water to chase it.
Fuchsia cough syrup with a twang sans sweetner.
And then Mushroom Jack said,
"Let there be light"
... and there was.

Random Pics

2007-01-17T20:21:00.000+05:30

Lyrical Ganstas!

Eye Candy at Ashvem Beach, Goa

Palolem beach, Goa last week.

Kichumbar and the Christmas Freak!

Mosambi Juice Lighting at Laras house

At Alidias, Goa ..fully equipped with bug spray and aired out shoes.

Firegoddess

2007-01-17T15:11:00.000+05:30

(Sexy firedancer goddess at Anjuna Beach, Goa last week. She did the dance with poi pois after the sticks..I'm totally inspired.. I'm going to light my pois on fire one day hah!)

Making love

2006-12-21T03:29:00.001+05:30

My padded cell was lined with Velcro
And everywhere I walked I'd get
Tied-down
Now here you are, loosening my handcuffs
Dragging electric fingertips down my body
And I can only shiver and smile and try to tell you
Through shaking breaths
How much it means
Nope, indescribable
As is most of the magic in this world
If this isn't 'making love'
Then surely, it is the
Celebration of...

2006-12-15T18:07:00.000+05:30

I bought myself an 8 gb IPOD NANO!!: D and its fucking beautiful. It intimidates me. I'm so scared of breaking it or losing it or wetting it or having it crash or whatever. I think I'm being obsessive because I bought it with my own money that I saved up and this is the first expensive thing I've bought with earned money. I'm not sure if this is pathetic or this is how its supposed to be when you posess something SO FUCKING PERFECT.: D
*
I drove a Merc around Navi Nagar last night at 2 am. It was wonderful. A bit scary coz it wasnt mine and I almost ran over a man and banged into a cab. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be one of those annoying woman drivers who cant stick to their lanes and sure as hell cant park.
*
I bought 2 tickets for 'the prestige' for tomorrow but I might have to get rid of these precious tickets coz bots sick and I want to see this movie with him.
*
I read an entry on metblogs about this townie who hated travelling to the surburbs because there was so much traffic and the pollution ruined her skin.
Honestly? I've never said that out loud, but HELL every single time I'm stuck in suburban traffic I'm just wishing I was back my side of town and I hadn't ventured out. I can sort of see why this would make someone smirk and say "silly townie" in their head but its not MY fault I was brought up to believe that HEALTH IT IMPORTANT. (which includes layers of tar coating your skin) Thank you.
*
I have a stack full of books to read. 2 books on Psychology, The kite runner, A book on perversions, Critical conditions, Grave Markings, A bunch of photography magazines that I havent opened yet and plenty of movies that I have right near me that I havent seen yet.....
A scanner darkly, goodnight and goodluck, diabolique, Blood Diamond, Don's Plum, Shutter, Pusher, Bullet and a couple more...
*
Skincold won the Sies competition. I'm so happy for them!: D and and and and PDV is playing in Dubai tonight and I hope I hope I hope I hope they win. I'm totally praying for Rohit Person and I havent been this excited about any competition regarding an Indian Band ever.
*
BOT took me to Salt Water Grill on Tuesday night: ). I had a green apple Margarita, Duck Salad, Rawas with Sour Cream Potatoes and Garlic and a giant Chocolate Fondant. We sat on the sun beds over looking the sea and the ambience was perfect. Trip hop, good waiters, good food and perfect company. weeee: )
*
I met Scrizer this afternoon for lunch. I havent seen him in AEONS and I sort of forgot I was SO fond of that sprout. CCI chinese is always good but I really need to stop myself from ordering starters ive never tasted. gag.
*
I havent gone with Ravi to buy my fish yet. But I havent forgotten about it either. I'm sure its going to be a Siamese Fighter. A blue one if I can get my hands on it. I feel like I should meet Ravi more often. Way more often. I always get happy when hes around.
*
Lara's applying to NYU. I hope she gets in. But then again I hope she doesnt: (
I'm so sick of my friends going away. Really. Everythings so screwed. Bambis gone, Sarah moved back, Rayans going to go back to jeddah after his course, Kichu, Sohail and Trey are all going abroad to study, Toto died, Warren moved to NZ, and when I was younger Alisha moved away right in the middle of school and when I was even younger Enie shifted to Navi Nagar and I couldnt find her coz her number changed and she didnt have mine. I'm craving sleepover girl company. I need a woman in my life.
*
I'm going to goa.
17 more days.
Happy Happy!
Joy Joy! :)

Neurosis

2006-12-15T18:05:00.000+05:30

I start a blog. I start an anonymous one. I tell a few people I know about it. Which makes it non anonymous. Then I write a few personal entries. Then I tell a couple of more people after which I get angsty coz I figure too many people are reading about my personal life. Then I pretend not to care and write anyway. And by the end of it, I write FOR the people that read instead of writing for me. Then I realize that my blog isnt what i wanted it to be so I ditch it for a while and then miss it because alot of time has gone into it so here I am.
Back to square one.

2006-11-07T13:46:00.000+05:30

(: o Hes in a Baby Doom outfit!)

Recent Photographs

2006-10-15T03:35:00.000+05:30

(Hill Bill. Perfection on the train ride back from Delhi)

(Crazy FlameBoy with strange nose stud in Delhi)

(View from my balcony on a thunderous festering belly of an evening {not photoshopped})

(Mocha too beautiful to drink)

(My pretty mum! and my sisters baby, Vir at some Pooja at home)

(Anands dreads posing at Mukesh Mills on a hot afternoon a couple of weeks ago)

2006-10-10T19:22:00.000+05:30

My demons have fled for they did not know that which I am.

I am this and nothing more
I am Black Death, I am crimson hate
I am Mary and the wicked Whore
Enthroned on abyssic stormclouds in burning skies...
I am this and something more
I am the rape of winter, I am the crush of ice
I am fear incarnate, the stygian cold you abhor
Engraved on Olympian stone in kingly majesty...
I am this and so much more.

- The Psychology of Demons and the Bitterness of Winter, Scholomance

A question not meant for you...

2006-10-10T19:05:00.000+05:30

Do Sadists go to heaven?
I suppose if they only consort with masochists there wouldn't be a problem, the relationship would be reciprocal. The main argument, however, is not the act but the thought. Is it wrong to even imagine inflicting some serious pain on other for your pleasure? It shouldn't be, everybody does, they just don't like to admit it. The distinction between the intent and the deed, while very clear to some, does not exist at all for others. If you consider something your society views as wrong do you feel dirty? Does it make you reconsider your place and right to live? Those delightful little thoughts are almost always shoved into the back of your mind because they aren't permissible. People don't have freedom of thought anymore (as if they ever did), not without some sort of accompanying guilt. Oi. So if an individual leads a "good" life, a wonderful life, gives 25% of their income to the poor and volunteers frequently, the stereotypical over-achieving humanitarian and all that shite, but they enjoy hanging people upside down and placing clamps on their nipples while running fine blades down their bare backs are they going to be judged by their 'good' actions or their sadistic tendencies? I imagine that if word leaked out the only important information would be that they're sick in the head. All of the normalicies that represented kindness would be thrown away. So...do you think your god, works that way as well? Will She throw away an (almost) pure soul based on a perhaps physically harmful fetish? Even if the habit is consensual? Really?

(For the record, I'm Agnostic)

LMAO

2006-10-08T04:11:00.000+05:30

Why I love Moshy.....: D

Aruna says: (on suicide..)
but when you lose things that you hold dear to, the world around doesn't matter. there's just you and your loss. you know that there's a bus coming hurtling at you, but it doesn't matter.

Moshy says:
romanticism is a western ideal

Moshy says:
and like rock, all its local adaptations are mawkish tragedies

Moshy says:
any attempts at even bridging the divide result in crap movies like Morning Raga

Fuck Me Tender String Bender.

2006-10-08T03:30:00.000+05:30

I'm going to use my title on BOT when he starts playing guitar. : D
Or maybe ill just seduce Robert Flynn when hes done playing 'Decend the shades of night' live for me.
(Intellectual intercourse??? Or finality of cause...)

I think it's funny when some vegetarians wear leather. I want to show them their veins, peel off their skin, and wear it as a hat. Yeah, you like that? Maybe I'll wear it for the big date. He'll like that. That's right. He only dates me for my clothes. And tonight I'm wearing your animal fat smeared face.

Sometimes I think I should celebrate suicide. On a job well done. Hey, you got what you wanted, right? Break out the mother fucking wine and get the glasses. You accomplished your goal. If I were to commit suicide, I would certainly not want anyone mourning. I would want them to congratulate me. Job fuckign well done..They would be shocked. Didn't think I had it in me did you.. Hey, that would be one thing I wouldn't have failed. A job well done. Maybe I'll get bonus points if I don't spill any blood on the carpet.

And I want to fucking know what happens when there is nothing left to die for. I would fucking celebrate you.

When I sit crossed legged for too long, I lose all feeling in my feet. Stand up, and fall down.
I think im pmsing.
My dinner tonight was raw fish at Moche. Rawas.
I wish I could stay home all weekend and just eat chinese noodles.

I hate pointless entries. They make me mad. Have you noticed when you write a meaningful entry, and a pointless one after that..you always end up reading the pointless one when you go back to your blog?

....And when I say goodnight the pictures in my head will dance aorund my room and frolic in my bed and when I say good day they hide behind my eyes and wait for the dreaming to bring me back alive....

Nuclear Testing Gone Wrong

2006-09-24T18:35:00.000+05:30

(Drawn between the 5th and the 10th of August, 06' in Totos house)

A Baptism in the Warm Piss of Slaughtered Children

2006-09-24T14:29:00.000+05:30

You know the thing I hate about Iron Maiden ? 2 weeks after the release of their new album, they've re-released the fucker with a bonus DVD. Fuck! Seriously pissing off.

Unemployment is rising in rural Maharashtra. Now, MSc.'s, M.A.'s and Engineers are signing up as havaldars with the Maharashtra police just cause they have nowhere else to go. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or if we're just going to get educated chors.

Andheri station was rcently computerised. Congratulations. Well done. Except that now, the Railway employees who used to take about 3 seconds to give you your ticket taje a good minute to punch in the right keys and give you your print out. Lines that woul clear in 10 minutes now take 20 minutes to half an hour. The price of progress.

Cribby mood. What to do.

Things are generally good. I ran the mumbai marathon yesterday in my room. Short of breath at the end of it but it was more than worth it.

Playlist:
Misery Index - Discordia
Orphaned Land - Mabool
Neglected Fields - Splenetic
Gojira - From Mars To Sirius

- BOT

2006-09-20T19:19:00.000+05:30

(Trey, 17th Sept, Morrison Cafe, Delhi)

I was sitting under this little shit and got whipped by THAT ^^^ all over my back. Like wasp bites but with pink rubberbands. Feck. Talk about 'hardcore' \m/

2006-09-12T02:13:00.000+05:30

The Earthmaker goes down....
Models: Gagan and Ray

2006-09-11T21:55:00.001+05:30

Sean Penn - 'Timesup old one, got any last minute words of wisdom?'

Jon Voight - 'Things aint always wat they seem. You gotta ask yourself is it worth it. The day comes... earth makers gonna come and look right in your fuckin heart, and then you'd better know what it is your fuckin doing.
Are you a human being or just some hungry ghost out there...'
- From the movie 'U Turn'

2006-09-11T14:58:00.000+05:30

Fingers
First ten now twenty
Like rusted barb we secretly intertwined
A romantic brawl of wrestling limbs and naked breath
Like sister twisters we destroyed fields
of cotton sheets
beneath us
Rattling windows and uprooting flesh
not realizing
it was ours not theirs
A storm of pleasure in pain
trapped in four walls
Electricity in a kiss
or perhaps an explosion
in the minefield that lies
where we curve
Tonight
we'll weave memories into our hair for a lifetime
But they may not dance for you
like they once did in my mind...

2006-09-08T14:25:00.000+05:30

'I laugh along,
But inside I know its true:
Being in love is totally punk rock.'
~asofterworld

COME BACK BITCH.

2006-09-05T20:14:00.000+05:30

(Speedly sail south salacious Sprout. Soon ok Sarah?)

Duck Quack Quack and a Dirty Confession

2006-09-05T17:53:00.000+05:30

*hides*

I have a sick sick confession...

*Suspense gap*

: o!

I've been watching Oprah!
We'll its not my fault really, (Really) I wake up at 1:45, take my morning crap and turn on the television so I can drink my milky tea, steal one of my dads Malboros so I can save my Classics for the evening, and just sit quietly without conversing with the mother whose toiling around the house and then at 2pm Oprah gatecrashes. Blearg.
Yes. I'm bareboned guilty. I watch Oprah.

And now heres the kicker...

I've actually started "TALKING" about my issues. Yap yap yap.
OPRAH HAS MADE ME A MONSTER.: O

(Note: please dont buy this, I talk alot anyway. You can still read my blog without wanting to stuff 12 wontons down my throat to shush me up)

Onto other things:

I decided to coerce my BOT to take me out to eat Quaack Quack at Joss on our one year 6 month anniversary last night. (I baked a yummy fudge cake as a bribe..bwhaha) weeeee! : D fun fun fun .. Crab soup, whisky prawns, crispy duck quack quack on pancakes and mousse cake. Offf. Special meals make one feel yummy on the inside. *nod*

more later...

By Wanderer

2006-09-03T17:47:00.000+05:30

Run away from me,

I'll suck your lifeblood
and wither you away.

I'll float like larval blobs
in your frightened salival gulp.
The guttural morph, clinging
to your almond tonsils

I'll become
the putrid wind
of your smoke filled mucosal lungs.
The cystic worm
in your mensal flow.

I'll enter you;
a womb seeking semen drop.
And breathe within,
a tumorous growth in your mind

and when you die,
I'll be the sheet of blood
running downstairs from your bed.

Amidst howling wolves;
I'll walk to your grave
night after night, without fail.
And lie there alone,
fucking your dead body.

Till eternity,
a dead maggot,
nipping at your soulflesh.

Weeeee! for coverups and word adoption

2006-09-03T17:26:00.000+05:30

(Sept 2nd at 3:oo pm, Freehand by Sameer)

2006-08-29T02:31:00.000+05:30

"Do you really need a reply? A reply is but symapthy, advice, or yet another gatecrash into your emotions."
- Toto Vellani. (20 Jul 2003 05:08am)

"Distance only as a ploy, a poetic
Device, a means to make the end
Magnificent."
- kanupriya (10 Jun 2003 02:27am)

What I have left: cold fingers, buried memories, soul-stirring fragments of each of the six elements, the knowledge of who & what changed my life, and thus, what they taught me and what the hell I'm going to do with it.

Very soon I'll pick a day to gallop off in the direction of the wind. I threw my writing into the fire. We know this. Do you still disregard these as empty words?
I'll send you postcards from there.

Determination has earned itself a capital letter. :)

2006-08-27T14:00:00.000+05:30

Her lips are cracked and her tongue is dry from licking rolling paper and forming careful words like 'I need to go now,' spoken softly and unsteadly to the man who calls her 'Love,' because he can't remember her name. And lying on her back she looks up through the skylight watching the black branches scrape the glass and imagining herself dangling like a dying leaf, balanced ambivalently on the edge of extinction, fragile and delicate and irreparably torn, stained red and oh-so-eager to fall. She clears her throat and reaches for and apple shake, while an internet ad urges her to shell out petty cash to 'Miracle net' and as night crawls up the window panes, she swallows her regrets and chases them down with a bitter cough of indifference. Biting a chunk of styrofoam out of the cup she's been crushing in her hand, she lays out a game of solitaire on the table and plays until she realizes that it doesn't feel like a n y t h i n g when she wins; and she curls up again on the floor that hurts so good against her feverish swollen skin. The cellphone rings and she freezes, her eyes scanning the room frantically, struggling to hear herself think over the silence between urgent outbursts that echo off the walls and haunt her vague and distracted headache. Sighs dripping between her fingers and melting into the floor, like sirens disappearing in the distance. She stumbles into the bathroom slamming the door, walking unsteadily to the mirror and staring hard at her reflection. A victim of misunderstandings represented in two-dimensions. She sucks her breath in and wipes the expression off her face, focusing for the first time in weeks on her pale hands, tangled hair, harsh scars, empty mouth and cold teeth.
Outside the wind blows and she braces herself for disaster, her tongue dry and lips cracked....

xxx

2006-08-20T14:25:00.000+05:30

Frigid fingers probe and rip apart, wearing down to the bone in this vain attempt to free herself of something more than this temporary release of parting skin around her hips, and scarlet lines shimmering down her legs this is her accumalation of lies.

She remembers a time when this was enough to bury emotion but the earth runs thin through her fingers and her ghosts make the most of the opportunity; whisper in her head the prayers to vanquish all cathartic murmurs, haunt her till she can barely stand...

Teeth scraping against her neck, she whispers in his ear 'fuck me and i wont make a sound' and he likes it more because she's so unresponsive (almost.like.rape but with no chance of being charged) She bites her tongue; on her knees the bathroom tiles making x-o grids on her knees, she'll play with lighted matches and shards of glass, documenting this into forgiving skin.. and when you come, she never makes a single sound because there's nothing left to say.

Mechanical motions, tragic beauty. The waves of post-human desire crashing against her soul and she entreats herself to an island where the waves dont reach so high and the moon comes out sometimes beneath this broken sky, going quietly insane.

As long as theres physical contact and some resemblence of emotion, she'll fill in the blanks herself.

To Vomit the Undigestible

Mumbai Dharavi Documentary

Helen Fisher ted talk

Manna - Psilocybin Mushroom Documentary (complete)

Insane Breakdance (Phils sons teacher)

ho hum

Ray Lamontagne - Crazy Gnarls Barkley Cover)

AskNature.org

Learning about Life and the importance of friends at 3am.

RSA Animate - The Secret Powers of Time

England: Arambol pt3

Andrew Bird's one-man orchestra of the imagination | Video on TED.com

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

Y'ALL GON GET UR MINDS BLOWN THE F*CK OUTTA THIS WORLD

Barbatuques - Baiana

Did You Know?

: )

O_o

Man's Environment Powertrip

Precious Art Score:

Piano stairs - Rolighetsteorin.se - The fun theory

All is full of love

Chris Cunningham - Gucci

Marine Drive, Mumbai, Google Earth

Poi Duet - Intense

Battle at Kruger - Nature's beautiful dances

Statment for Children at Matam Series:

Civilization Video - pure genius

Golden brown texture like sun..

Matam: Bombay, India Jan 09

M&M photoshoot.

Gokarna

I miss you so much it hurts :(

'it'sallaboutthehesaidshesaidbullshit' -LB

And Toto said:

Pussy Art

On the other hand:

Looking in from out here:

RAM/ROM 29903

For Rave Magazine Dec Issue 2008

backdrift....

and so i understand that life IS a funny beast.

Nov 5th Wednesday

28th Sept Sunday

Far too early or late?

Bunny Returns OST

Macbook Magic

More Pics

I Should Have Been a Wildfire

Bleeding Dry

Inconclusive Ones.

All Night All Day

updates

My first limerick!

Rambling

Weakdays and Weekspots.

Poetry falls vertically...

Nonrefundable

Randomness

Old Memories

The Poi God

Of Silent Fetishes

Extract

Random Pics

Firegoddess

Making love

Neurosis

Recent Photographs

A question not meant for you...

LMAO

Fuck Me Tender String Bender.

Nuclear Testing Gone Wrong

A Baptism in the Warm Piss of Slaughtered Children

COME BACK BITCH.

Duck *Quack Quack* and a Dirty Confession

By Wanderer

Weeeee! for coverups and word adoption

xxx

Duck Quack Quack and a Dirty Confession